Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.

   Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.

   Other Moms packing healthy school lunches while I'm redistributing the contents of a nacho Lunchable into a $30 bento box.

   Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.

   Wake up America. If a place tries to put potatoes in your burrito, you are getting robbed on meat.

   Haven't been to war, but I've been to a water park where "fun" is climbing rope ladders barefoot while buckets of water are dumped on you.

   Just said some pretty harsh things about this gymnast falling off the uneven bars considering I've fallen out of my bed before.

   When women watch Bachelor in Paradise it's like the television equivalent of microwaving fish.

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   Settle down homemade play dough parents.

   I may not be able to swim fast but I did just arrange these onion rings to look like olympic rings.

   One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

   No offense but I wanna set you on fire.

   if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?

   I don't care, therefore I am happy.

   Trump supporters criticizing Malia Obama for smoking pot like all of Trump's sons haven't done coke off a hooker's breasts in the last week.

   41% of Trump voters say Hillary is the devil. While the other 59% say she's just a demon in a pantsuit.

   When my printer jams, I do what any logical male would do; I go buy a new printer.

   Facebook has taught me people don't get most jokes unless you put them over a picture and call it a meme.

   Can I ask for prayers please? I'm about to write a check.