Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   Damn, I was gonna get you a birthday gift but the stores were still open.

   Hey, Happy Birthday! Pick one - the past or the future. Cause I didnt get you a present.

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   Hillary says if elected, along with your government cheese, you will also get a cheese grater. #MakeAmericaGrateAgain

   instead of hands up don't shoot,how about pull your pants up don't loot....

   Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote.

   It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

   Well, if you don't shop at Walmart, where do you buy your hotdog flavored potato chips?

   The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle.

   An Olympian biting their gold medal only it's me biting the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Welcome to parenting. Hope you like ketchup.

   At least Ryan Lochte didn't say he invented the airplane.

   Kids suck at eating ice cream cones.

   On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?