Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!

   Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....

   Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.

   What the next three generations will be called: 1) Post-millennials. 2) Generation Z. 3) Mutant crabs picking over irradiated debris.

   I'm not a gold digger, I just know you can't spell finance without fiancé.

   I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....

   Trump's new moderated immigration stance: Instead of building a wall, he only wants a heavy curtain or moveable partition.

   Just call Weight Watchers frozen meals what they really are, appetizers.

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Two mice at Petco were fighting to run on the same poop-covered wheel, which is a decent analogy for trying to meet your soulmate in a bar.

   Facebook's great for tedious daily updates from people who should have inched away from you in the natural continental drift of life by now.

   I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.

   When a sudden wind kicks up piles of leaves and the weather vane makes an ominous creaky turn, it just means a cool new witch moved to town.

   It's almost Labor Day, so get out there and celebrate the sacrifice of others by drunk driving a boat.

   I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.

   I saw the best minds of my generation getting, like, really mad on the internet.

   If you're yelling into FaceTime in an airport bar, the rest of us get to lean over your shoulder and join the conversation.

   Just want the casual confidence of the woman who wears her travel neck pillow to the airplane bathroom.