Funny Status Messages

   The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.

   The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"

   I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles.

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   Hillary didn't faint, her knees didn't buckle... She slipped on all of her bull$hit....

   The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.

   My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.

   Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.

   I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

   When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos.

   Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.

   I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.

   Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....

   If I owned a GoPro, it would just be footage of me walking to our snack drawer.

   Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.

   "Hey you want to Live Long and Prosper with me?" works great as a pick-up line.

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.