Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   Trump Supporters in a basket? I guess that puts Hillary Supporters in the wood pile.

   Have you ever been so high that you re-enact the 'stair climb' scene from Rocky when you find an unopened packet of Oreos in the pantry?

   John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.

   Did you know, Basket Of Deplorables is also the name of David Duke's indie band.

   Don't forget to use bleach when washing your basket of deplorables. It makes them whiter.

   What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.

   The worst thing about quitting drinking is that I no longer have anything to blame my inappropriate behavior on now.

   Sometimes to make myself feel better I wrap up my hopes and dreams with bacon.

   Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.

   Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"

   Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!

   Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.

   hillary immitating the twin towers

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.

   The winds of change can blow me.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?