Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....

   If I owned a GoPro, it would just be footage of me walking to our snack drawer.

   Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.

   "Hey you want to Live Long and Prosper with me?" works great as a pick-up line.

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.

   If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

   showering together is cute until you realise women are trying to be 3rd degree burn patients and you’re just trying to get clean.

   People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"

   did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon

   .... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   Trump Supporters in a basket? I guess that puts Hillary Supporters in the wood pile.

   Have you ever been so high that you re-enact the 'stair climb' scene from Rocky when you find an unopened packet of Oreos in the pantry?

   John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.

   Did you know, Basket Of Deplorables is also the name of David Duke's indie band.