Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SHOCKING: Last night, all the cellists in the Hollywood Bowl orchestra sat during the National Anthem.

   Screaming at Kaepernick to stand up during the national anthem seems slightly more disrespectful.

   I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.

   80's - Republicans vote for an actor. 10's - Republicans vote for a reality star. ...Why do they still blame Hollywood for everything?

   As it turns out Juggalos cannot juggle and now I'm wishing I hadn't invited so many over.

   Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy.

   Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.

   If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.

   Hillary Clinton isn't really sick, lizard people don't get sick....

   Dance like no one is secretly going to put that mess on Periscope.

   Probably the one thing I enjoy about dating homeless women so much is they really don't seem to care where I drop em off at.

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.

   The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"

   I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles.

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   Hillary didn't faint, her knees didn't buckle... She slipped on all of her bull$hit....

   The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.

   My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.

   Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.