Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It turns out Hillary didn't have pneumonia after all. She just downloaded iOS 10.

   Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   Ok I admit it, perhaps I shouldn't have yelled "WORLDSTARRR!!" when they dunked my niece's head during her baptism.

   Why is Collin Kaepernick so angry? You would be too if God had put pubic hair on top of your head.

   Never try to reason with a person who wants to save every stray animal alive but is fine with killing 3,000 babies a day...

   Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.

   Deplorable and Proud. -My new T-Shirt

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

   LIberals scream billying the loudest, then call whoever who do not agree with them, the worst words and degrade them. Just like a bully.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

   My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.

   Oh shut up. You weren't even offended by the word deplorable until you looked it up.

   If I say "1-2-3-and to the 4" and you don't respond "Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at tha door"....I guess we never really knew each other.

   How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.

   SHOCKING: Last night, all the cellists in the Hollywood Bowl orchestra sat during the National Anthem.

   Screaming at Kaepernick to stand up during the national anthem seems slightly more disrespectful.

   I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.

   80's - Republicans vote for an actor. 10's - Republicans vote for a reality star. ...Why do they still blame Hollywood for everything?