Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

   “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs @ the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.

   Breaking News: The DOJ has released new guidelines. You can no longer use the term looting when talking about protests. The new PC term is now " Revenge shopping "

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   Some girl just asked me if she's wearing too much make-up. I told her that depends on whether she's trying to kill Batman or not.

   Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?

   It's not called looting under this administration. . .we are calling it revenge shopping

   In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.

   My 2 boys are so energetic so I asked them when is the best time to setup the trampoline. One of them replied"Spring-time".

   America doesn't have a gun problem, America has an idiot problem.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   It's not called "Looting" .... Under this administration's politically correct policies .... it's called "Undocumented Shopping"

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   FYI....If you are one of those who like the strong silent type....then you're gonna just love my farts!!