Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   BREAKING: Ryan Lochte brutally attacked at gunpoint and forced to dance Foxtrot in front of national TV audience.

   On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?

   Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....

   I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function.

   I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".

   You haven't killed enough of your exes to give me relationship advice.

   KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised.

   My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?

   Multi-coloured drinks make me dizzy and nervous even before I drink them.

   Hate it when the kids can't find their shoes. It really cuts into our time working together to find mommy's keys...and phone...and shoes.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer.

   Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?

   At show-and-tell, it's the kid with the Weebles who gets the raves. You hide your Perry Como album in the desk and tell Mrs. Yee you forgot.

   My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into THAT propeller blade.

   Life is like a picnic: there are ants, hornets, bad potato salad, locked public bathrooms when your kid can't hold it, people, spotty cell recep......

   I heard Colin kaepernick had a choice between cotton and polyester jerseys and wouldn't you know it 'he picked cotton'