Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   Trump reveals his medical records. They include Dr. Dre, Dr. Hook, and the Spin Doctors.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   Health becomes the main issue of the presidential election in a country that does not offer it to its citizens. This is...sick.

   Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Only mediocrity is sure of itself, so take risks and do what you really want to do