Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're just a wet paper towel on a stick .

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   My hobbies include reciting the side effects of artificial sweeteners during meals and maintaining a robust dislike of everything around me.

   I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!

   If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   The first and last time that I went to Comic Con was when the guy at the costume store sold me a Catwoman costume telling me it was CatMan.

   I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.

   "I've never seen The Notebook or a single episode of Grey's Anatomy." -Me, flirting

   Pleasant, 40ish, female seeks zany caper. Skills include the ability to identify ideas that are so crazy, they just might work.

   Only god, my parents, the court system, our government, my coworkers, that cute starbucks guy, and the rest of the world can judge me....

   Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.

   I want a man cave, but for women. Still stocked in video games, booze, license plates, and awesome stuff on the wall but with a scented candle.

   Last date I had she got KFC grease on my car seats.

   On a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   Me At Job Interview: "And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?"

   I'll see you and your popcorn ceiling in Hell!!!

   If the moon is made of cheese why aren't stars made of crackers?

   Lindsay Lohan already registered her unborn baby in AA.