Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown they’re all screaming.

   it just me or are there a whole lot of folks who get that stupid prompt to download the latest apple itunes and quicktime update 5 times a week??

   I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

   Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.

   All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.

   The opening question of the VP Debate was basically if you were Kiefer Sutherland do you think you'd make a great Designated Survivor?

   Clown Lives Matter

   You can teach a pet dog to go fetch your paper...a pet cat will teach you to go F@#K yourself.

   Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.

   I'm going to write a book of inspirational quotes & then I'm going to jump off a bridge because I want my readers to be thoroughly confused.

   Don't stand up for the national anthem = USA hater. Don't stand up & pay taxes to support the national infrastructure = genius businessman?

   Obama loves the Poor so much that he created Millions more.

   I find it interesting that the same people that are telling me that Donald Trump would be a bad President are the same people who told us that Barack Obama would be a Good President!!!

   It turns out Liberals are "Latinophobes" .... You ever notice how they always say they are moving to Canada if Trump gets elected? Why don't they ever say they're moving to Mexico? Yup ... Latinophobes!!!

   Hillary: What kind of genius loses one billion dollars in one year? Answer: What kind of genius loses 6 billion dollars, 4 American Lives, A Laptop, 4 Cellphones, Three Tablets, & 33,000 emails all while serving as Secretary of State?

   I hope the guy who stole my Debit Card enjoys his $12.69 shopping spree.

   Got so bored at work today I actually started doing my job!!!

   A true beer drinker never look at his beer as Half Empty .... He looks at it as Half way to his Next Beer ...

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..