Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.

   If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."

   It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.

   Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....

   Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.

   Generic dollar store condoms on your trip to Thailand.

   Why is it that every relationship with the best sex also comes with drama and domestic violence?

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   .... In case you are wondering kiddies ..... Bongs are definitely the sound of Unemployment .... So stay away from them ... Well ... unless you're a Democrat .... Then that is probably why you became one in the first place.

   The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.

   My rags to riches story is going from Top Ramen to $12 Ramen with an egg in it.

   At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does.

   If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!

   Just got kicked out of Starbucks for not carrying a Macbook.

   In school they always called me a bookworm because I ate books.

   The secret to a happy marriage is to completely master the "I'm listening" head nod while your wife is speaking....

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   People always talked about how fast technology advances. Has anyone ever thought, with this election coming up and all that is going on. We should be advanced enough to flea the planet?