Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.

   Always pass on the tea and crumpets; I'm more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.

   Never leave the house without chili ingredients & tap shoes. I'm always ready for impromptu dance-offs or cook-offs.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...