Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump should grab Hillary my the p***y and drag her off the stage...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .

   For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.

   The only thing more romantic than true love is getting hit by a train.

   BREAKING NEWS : Bill Cosby withdraws support for Donald Trump

   Listen, OK, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago, back when I was just a young, childish, 59-year-old man.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger To Donald Trump: You’re Fired. But wait, wasn't Arnold once accused of objectifying women some years ago?

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?