Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The government is behind the whole "60 is the new 40" thing so they can raise the retirement age to 92.

   I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.

   Sausage Party is expected to break the box office record for R-rated animated movies, which currently stands at $800.

   Now Trump is accusing Obama of being the founder of NSYNC. Which in some ways is even more offensive.

   Hope Solo is my least favorite Star Wars character besides Jar Jar Binks.

   Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.

   3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.

   Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   I.S.I.S says if America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.

   IS says is America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.

   Any man believes in freedom of speech at least for themselves.

   There is something I really like about women's beach volleyball but I can't put my finger on it.

   Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"

   Donalds Plan: "Build a wall" "Make America great" Hillarys Plan: "He cant say that"

   Hillary is working with her aids to beat Trump. Meanwhile, Bill is working with his doctors to beat A.I.D.S.

   Trump suggests that someone should shoot Hillary? There he goes trying to make America great again.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   IS relies on propaganda to recruit. Trump did the same with his 2nd Amendment remark!