Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1120 of 6452

Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.
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10-19-2016 05:52
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Call your man "Boyoncé" today so he feels empowered.
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10-19-2016 05:52
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If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.
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10-19-2016 05:51
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When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.
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10-19-2016 05:49
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Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
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10-19-2016 05:48
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I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
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10-19-2016 05:48
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Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.
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10-18-2016 20:04
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My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.
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10-18-2016 17:17
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During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.
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10-18-2016 16:08
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Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??
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10-18-2016 12:06
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I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
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10-18-2016 11:15
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Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.
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10-18-2016 10:15 by Fazzella
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Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.
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10-18-2016 08:14
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Chicken Pot Pie.. Three of my favorite things 😁
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10-18-2016 03:02 by @DJPhatJ
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Melania confirms in CNN interview that she is very angry at Moose and Squirrel.
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10-18-2016 01:47
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"Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon. Going to the candidates' debate. Laugh about it, shout about it When you've got to choose Every way you look at this you lose" - Simon and Garfunkel (1968)
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10-17-2016 19:06
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My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?