Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   Add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans.

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.

   Always pass on the tea and crumpets; I'm more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.

   Never leave the house without chili ingredients & tap shoes. I'm always ready for impromptu dance-offs or cook-offs.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..