Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   Chicken Pot Pie.. Three of my favorite things 😁

   Melania confirms in CNN interview that she is very angry at Moose and Squirrel.

   "Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon. Going to the candidates' debate. Laugh about it, shout about it When you've got to choose Every way you look at this you lose" - Simon and Garfunkel (1968)

   My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   Pot Roast. Two of my favorite things.

   ...... In the end ..... without even a fight .... A once great Nation .... Was gone. History in the making. Vote wisely folks.

   Donald Trump accuses Hilary Clinton of taking performance enhancing drugs for their last debate. Some jokes just write themselves. lol

   This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.

   If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

   hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.

   The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.