Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please stop using fancy words like "sober " and "family".

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   I once tried to force-feed my oldest son. After a while, my wife said, “Just use a fcuk*ng spoon, You’re not a Jedi.”

   This might as well be CNN or FOX NEWS

   I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.

   .... Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote..... Well .... Unless she is sooooo Absolutely corrupt .... Then you will!!!!.

   I really dont want to spend the next 4 years picturing Bill and Hillary lying in bed swaping hand jobs

   .... To show how generous Hillary and Bill re ..... Even though they only made $139 Million in income .... They generously donated $1,042,000 to charities! ...... $1,000,000 of which was donated to .... "The Clinton Foundation." Yup ... Very generous!

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   Damn, I was gonna get you a birthday gift but the stores were still open.

   Hey, Happy Birthday! Pick one - the past or the future. Cause I didnt get you a present.

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]