Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.

   Finally tossed the old rotary phone. So now I won’t have anything to use for a mafia beat down in 1973.

   ER nurses lose their patience with "I thought it would be funny" after they've heard it four times from one person.

   My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

   You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   make america a vast wilderness again

   I like staring into the night sky. There's less people out there.

   Are you sure that's all the cats you have?

   Pharrell Williams Begs Women to Vote Hillary: "She’s Dishonest, But So Are You"...Now we know why they chose him to be the front man for "Daft Punk"

   It's curious how a dog's erection can look so much like a tube of cherry chapstick yet do almost nothing for chapped lips.

   And They Want $15 An Hour: "Welcome to McDonald's." "Can I get a half dozen chicken nuggets please?" "We only serve 6, 10 or 20 piece." "So you don't sell half a dozen chicken nuggets?" "No sir." "Okay, I'll take the 6 piece."

   I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.