Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.

   "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil

   ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.

   It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.

   Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

   LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   .... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.

   Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...

   I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.

   KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.

   Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.