Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

   The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   Trump's 2nd season "Im a winner" will be airing on 2020.

   "Donald Trump is the greatest!" I am Hillary Clinton and I approve this message.

   The somke detector is not a timer...

   Found out my father is voting for Hillary, which is strange since he died in 2004

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....

   So let me get this straight, the same people who are responsible for 9/11 are also responsible for 20% of Killary's campaign contributions. Anyone see an issue with this?

   There's like nothing stopping any of us from booking a room at a Trump hotel and canceling 24 hours in advance.

   If Hillary becomes president she will be the first F President. Oh, sorry. I was going to say female, but the "emale" got deleted.

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   Wikileaks just released El Chapo's Email too

   Wikileaks should be ashamed of itself for illegally releasing Hillary's illegal activities.