Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the choice for presidential candidate boils down to one who is weak with e-mails and the other who is weak with females!

   Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   I think you're giving hillary a lot of credit calling her a "trailer park". She's a tent site, at best.

   clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat*

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

   It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   I've reached that Stage in Life that when a Woman whispers seductively to me to, "Give it to Her" ....................................... she means my Credit Card

   Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

   Well I ran out of Halloween Candy really early so I just Shut Off all the Lights and Hid .................. Screw the Ships, my Lighthouse, my Rules!

   Just got a email from a Friend Regarding Saturday Night's Halloween Party .................. "Just because you Dressed up as a Brontosaurus doesn't Mean you can Poop in my Yard and Roar at my Neighbors!"

   Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?

   Hey Hillary, How does it feel like to be aborted 5 days before delivery?

   Remember on Saturday night to set you clocks back an hour and then on Tuesday, not to set the country back 50 years.  .....

   Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!