Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an app the reminds me when my garage door is open. Now if I can get one the reminds me when my fly is...

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.

   If this rotting pumpkin of a man said or did any of this to your wife, mother, daughter you'd do all you could to stop him, right? #Vote

   How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?

   "The Statue of Liberty just turned 130 last Friday. When France first gave her to us, it was the one time that France didn't retreat..

   I have all this candy left at our apartment now. This morning, I had a Skittles and Butter Fingers omelet.

   Ok browns fans, lets put the "laughter" back into "manslaughter"

   I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I really thought you already knew.

   If you want to know who really rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip cookies are the main reason I have serious trust issues.

   I have come to the sad conclusion that Common Sense is a lot like a Deodorant! ... Yup ... The people who need it the most .... Never Use It.

   Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.

   We've been conditioned to think that only politicians can solve our problems. At some point, perhaps one day we will actually wake up and recognize that that it was those politicians who actually created our problems in the first place.

   I just microwaved a Hot Pocket all the way through on the 1st try,,, So I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone needs anything.

   It was refreshing to see FB lit up with pics of your Halloween celebrations. Now it's back to your political rambling BS. Not to mention the soon to flood my timeline with your holiday BS.

   People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   American media be like: "This just in... Russia dumps a load of manure at DNC Headquarters"

   Me on a first date: How many FBI investigations does it take for people to realize she's a SCUMBAG. Her: . . .

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?