Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   why didn't you discuss paymet of the wall Mr Trump? SOFTENING!

   "Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.

   so Trump is off to visit Mexico?. I hope his security detail is up to scratch.

   Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.

   the USPS should make stamps of Donald Trump just so everyone can say "I have a 'Trump Stamp' "

   Colin Kaepernick says America is not great and people tell him to leave. Donald Trump says America is not great and may become president. White privilege.

   Black Lives matter to Donald Trump. His words not mine.

   Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   I find it interesting that over the past few hears Hackers have broken the biggest stories ..... And our Journalists who's job it is to report the news has tried frantically to cover them up ....

   Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.