Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.

   The worst thing about quitting drinking is that I no longer have anything to blame my inappropriate behavior on now.

   Sometimes to make myself feel better I wrap up my hopes and dreams with bacon.

   Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.

   Listen to the Native Americans. "You can't drink oil"

   Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!

   Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.

   hillary immitating the twin towers

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.

   The winds of change can blow me.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   North Korean Twitter must be pretty lame...

   Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.

   The worst thing about staying in a hotel during your vacation is learning the order of the tv channels.

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   Love the samples at Costco, however I think of them more as tapas you have to fight strangers to the death over.

   Slept like a baby last night. Abandoned, outside of a church in the rain.

   Melania Trump homemaker tip: When sorting your laundry, don't forget to separate your deplorables from your coloreds.

   The hardest part of hearing about my wife's work day is trying to recall the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.