Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

   What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

   I don't go on Twitter a lot, does 'tweets' mean "political p!ssing and moaning from all sides", and what happened to the - Funny ??

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   Wow, Donald Trump brought the unemployment rate down to 4.6% just by being elected.....

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too.

   Lately I've been walking into rooms clapping my hands like Donald Trump for no reason.......

   Hey ... Santa saw your Facebook pictures .... Santa saw your Facebook pictures. … Looks like you're going to be getting some clothes and a Bible for Christmas ....

   To America's welfare recipients ..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas".. From the rest of us hard working Americans slaving away every freakin' Day to provide for your well being.

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   If you're genuinely surprised that a successful political outsider won the Presidency instead of the corrupt Politician in the pantsuit, Please sit down .... There's something important I need to tell you about Santa Claus .....

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   Donald Trump is not and will NEVER be my President!!!!! ...... I'm from Guatemala

   My dad said to my mom, "I'm done with you, I'm going to date this pillow. I'm naming it Sophia!" My mom says, "You could do better." My dad says, "Stop it you don't even know her!" My mom goes, "I was talking to Sophia."