Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meteorologists advising people in path of hurricane to tie down things that can be picked up by winds, i.e. stray dogs, hookers, and vagabonds.

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.

   Nobody wants to hear anyone ever talk about "whipping out that Mexican thing again" unless it's homemade guacamole.

   The scariest clown sightings so far have been the 2 running at the top of the Republican ticket.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe.

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.

   Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

   With all these clown sightings, I’m gonna start picking them up in my UberPool. Even better, I'll use a tiny car and fit 20 in at a time!!!

   I haven't checked the chinese calendar yet but I'm betting this is the year of the Clown.

   Another fun fact .... Economic growth under President Reagan was almost DOUBLE what it is under the Obama Presidency .... Or as the Democrats like to call the Reagan Economy ..... a Failed Economy.

   In the movies everybody laughs when somebody says "You can trust me ... I'm from the Government!" HAHAHAHA ..... But come election time ..... We all seem to have collective brainwashed amnesia and dutifully vote for the biggest Government Con-Person.

   Stock Market News as of Today; The Dow has doubled since Obama became president. Or as Republicans call it, devastating economic news.

   will Hurricane Matthew be followed by hurricanes Mark, Luke & John?

   So where are all the Clown Rights groups? #ClownLivesMatter

   Someone needs to ask Hillary and Donald what they are planing to do about this growing and serious Clown Crisis?

   Thousands of Clown sightings all across the Nation, The candidates running for President. Yes, this is clearly and definitely ... The Year of the Clown.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.