Funny Status Messages

   Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   We live in a curious time in history where for the first time parents send their children off to College and they return to us as mental toddlers.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!

   Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.

   It always seems impossible until it's done

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.

   it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?

   ... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....

   In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.