Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   I should of went to the store before I gone to bed but I was to tired and I went to their to early and I was afraid I would loose to much sleep.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   "What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   All I need to do is find a woman who is as pathetic as me and I will live happily ever after.

   But in my defense if a girl yelling please don't come yet wants me to last longer she should probably try reverse psychology

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Donald "Twitter Fingers" Trump

   I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.

   I don't blame Trump for speaking via Twitter. Far better to speak directly to the people than through a biased media who twists his every word.

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

   wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair