Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).

   Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.

   She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."

   I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

   Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.

   If you start quoting The Bible to me, I'll assume the exorcism has begun.

   When the power goes out my family and I play with our phones by candlelight like in the old days.

   Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

   Donald "No Pants" Duck was a bird truly ahead of his time.

   Still not 100% clear on Applebee's BYOB policy.

   Look out ladies, Donald Trump might be single soon as Melania isn't happy with her husband.

   Anything with Hilary or Trump I just scroll without reading all the crap. From an English man looking for a decent status.

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.

   Well .... That's IT ... It's the LAST STRAW !!! ... I'm now going to vote for the candidate who left people to die, Covered up her husbands Sexual Assaults, And Threatened National Security ..... Because that other candidate said some mean things.

   Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?

   Can you imagine creepy lips Donald Trump trying to force himself on you? Ugh

   If Donald Trump represents Christian values, those values mean nothing.