Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   Hello, ABC? It's less than 40 hours until New Year's Eve...time to fill the sink with water and defrost Dick Clark.

   It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .

   Girls just wanna have fun, guys just wanna have funds!

   People who say I'm hard to buy for obviously don't drink or smoke weed

   Remember ladys, being good may get you a few nice presents but being naughty will get you diamonds.

   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

   A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   SIERRA, ECHO ,NOVEMBER,DELTA NOVEMBER UNIFORM DELTA ECHO SIERRA .

   Here's a list of my favourite xmas carols.

   Something going viral just means more idiots have seen and liked it.

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   Sad start to this week as we lost Grandpa. Luckily, we found him this morning!

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   When you finally meet that girl off snapchat, and she forgot she forgot to bring the dog face filter with her

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   The first rule of Christmas Fight Club is don't buy her anything half a size bigger than she is because clearly you're implying something..

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?