Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!

   Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.

   It always seems impossible until it's done

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.

   it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?

   ... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....

   In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Can you be sued for malpractice if you're not really a Gynecologist ?

   Does anyone know WHY Waldo is hiding ?

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...