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In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.
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10-15-2016 05:01
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If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.
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10-15-2016 05:00
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Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!
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10-15-2016 04:59
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Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.
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10-15-2016 04:58
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All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.
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10-15-2016 04:57
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Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.
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10-15-2016 04:56
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It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.
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10-15-2016 04:56
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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.
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10-15-2016 04:54
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My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.
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10-15-2016 04:54
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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10-15-2016 04:53
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Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
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10-15-2016 04:52
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Grandma was a loyal Republican until she died. Ever since then she has voted Democrat.
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10-15-2016 02:21
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And soon it will be Thanksgiving. The only time that its acceptable to eat stuff out of a birds ass.
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10-15-2016 01:00
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Tim Kaine rubbed my leg under the bathroom stall at the airport.
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10-15-2016 00:34
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Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.
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10-14-2016 22:35
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I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016
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10-14-2016 20:44
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Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
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10-14-2016 19:13 by
snotty
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I went to Smith's Deli and asked for a baked chicken thigh. I got a breast instead. I hope the kid working the deli isn't a med student.
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10-14-2016 16:01
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How does Hillary get soooo much JUNK in her TRUNK you ask?? She steals it duh.
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10-14-2016 14:09
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what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.
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10-14-2016 10:19
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