Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sad start to this week as we lost Grandpa. Luckily, we found him this morning!

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   When you finally meet that girl off snapchat, and she forgot she forgot to bring the dog face filter with her

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   The first rule of Christmas Fight Club is don't buy her anything half a size bigger than she is because clearly you're implying something..

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   It's funny how Democrats are blaming the Russians and all they did was expose the truth

   The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   2016: Well 2017, it's almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my beer.

   I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".

   Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!

   like who in their right mind would waste good money on life insurance when you can tell your sob story on Go Fund Me and stupid people to give you money?

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.