Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taking a bullet for someone is nothing. Take a nuclear warhead to the chest, now that's impressive....

   Q: Why there are bomb blasts in Pakistan? A: The terrorists have opted to 'work from home' policy.

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Difference between Canadians and Americans Canadians say . How you doing eh ? Americans say . Hey how you doing .

   Wondering why everyone says "I'm not worried about ME driving in the snow. It's all the idiots out there." At some point, someone has to be that idiot.

   I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !

   I miss Rodney Dangerfield.... now there a great comedian.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.

   I love pizza because it doesn't judge and tell me I'm doing it wrong when I eat it drunk.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   Rosie O'Donnell called Donald Trump "mentally unstable." Gee, Rosie. Has one of his children ever run away because of *his* mental instability?

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I wake up feeling like a golden statue....everyone else is the pigeons

   It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".

   Having not ever watched Mega Kelly on FOX, I'm pleased to announce that I will now not be watching her on NBC.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on.

   What are nudes? Someone show me.