Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If 3 Doors Down is playing the inauguration who's covering their shifts at Applebee's?

   While it was predictable to imagine Trump criticizing John Lewis, it's impossible to imagine him risking his life for the rights of others.

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   CNN = Counterfeit News Network

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet. Funny 8 Insightful 0 WTF? 3 GTFO! 1

   I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.

   Has anyone demanded to see Trump's birth certificate? Just to make sure he was actually born and not summoned.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   FREE LOTTERY ADVICE!!!! If tomorrow you find out you holding the winning ticket. (Before anyone finds out) call everyone you know let them you have an emergency and need to borrow $500. They will likely ignore you. This will come in handy in a few weeks w

   No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."