Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   I thought Super Bowl LI was a Pho Soup special at a Vietnamese restaurant.

   Trump really trying to take credit for Obama's 227,000 added jobs in January? Smh.....

   Damn girl, are we in a bad western? 'Cause I wanna have an hour long showdown with you that would only take 5 minutes in real life.

   I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Ma'am, that's not how speeding tickets work.

   I come from a long line of men who will happily answer to a name that is not their own, which may or may not sound vaguely similar to it.

   It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

   Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.

   Even Heaven has a Wall .... a Gate ..... and Extreme Vetting to get in .....

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.

   How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven't paid for a ticket from entering the game!" #NotMySuperBowl

   Super Bowl: it's like WrestleMania, but boring.

   No one is above the law, especially the president.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   I'm gonna build a fence, how do I get my neighbors to pay for it? Asking for a friend

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   Beyonce's twins will never have to work a day in their life. She should name one of them Lay-Z.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .