Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

   My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   the choice for presidential candidate boils down to one who is weak with e-mails and the other who is weak with females!

   Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   I think you're giving hillary a lot of credit calling her a "trailer park". She's a tent site, at best.

   clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat*

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

   It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   I've reached that Stage in Life that when a Woman whispers seductively to me to, "Give it to Her" ....................................... she means my Credit Card

   Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.