Funny Status Messages

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?

   I took my ex out last night, it only took one punch! :)

   Anyone ever notice the pro abortion crowd looks like they never "get any" in the first place?

   Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.

   Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.

   What's with all the lame Obama jokes now? He's not been President for over a week. He's gone.....

   You know what they say, once ya go black ..... you become a single parent

   You can always count on me to feel you up when you're feeling down

   If you say "I shouldn't be telling you this" at the beginning of a conversation people will pay attention to you.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .

   Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.

   Obozo is no longer President. President TRUMP

   That women's march looked like a 200,000 bagger...

   Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.

   This country needed a good weeding out. And Trump is the one who brought the weed whacker.

   Good lord if you just have to reissue a 20 year old joke, at least get the punchline correct. It's Kareema Wheat, not Kareem of Wheat. God Almighty!

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a really raunchy fart.

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   *smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad* Eating healthy is great