Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   Apparently grabbing your girlfriends boob, flattening it with your hands and yelling Surprise Mammogram isn't as fun for women than it is for men .

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."

   Can't wait to see what all the funny stuff will be come next week at this time, it has to gottten better.

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.

   Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.