Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   You want to know why Trump is so pissed off? Its because the whitehouse smells like coconuts and piss.

   Lady GaGa is performing with Metallica at the Grammys. Sounds like its gonna be an hour of Trump bashing and a couple crappy songs I downloaded on napster 15 years ago.

   I was on the shopping network. corrections FoxNews. When did the WhiteHouse becomes QVC?

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.

   When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   I found a way to lower my bills - I quit paying them.

   uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone.

   'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....

   You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.

   It took me 2 and a half years of feeding my cat to realize I don't own a cat..

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   The lesbians next door gave my a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."