Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.

   Why did they call themselves The Breakfast Club? They only ate lunch together.

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Make sure to use the extra hour this weekend not changing anyone's mind about the election on Facebook.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.