Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   *smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad* Eating healthy is great

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   In other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?lol

   We all live in a yellow submarine

   So Donald Trump has been president for about a week. Now you know how the other half felt like when Obama was our president for the last eight years.....

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   I ate so many Mcdonalds breakfast sandwiches this morning I'm turning into a stud McMuffin.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.

   If Trump is AIDS in human form, then Obama is the a$$hole he got it from.

   “Catch me outside, how about that?

   Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.

   I think when Trump says Mexico will pay for that wall he doesn't mean the Government but El Chapo's seized 14bn assets from criminal forfeiture.

   It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.

   I lost my virginity when I was 15. It was smokin' hot until I bit her thigh and all the air leaked out.

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   Mexico is paying for the wall in the form of tarriffs on goods imported from there.

   What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin