Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

   You put your face in it and no more zits.

   Ends? You call that lunch?

   going to grasp you around you head and blow you. Dandelions are so much fun

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   Eli's coming, hide your hocker, Eli's coming, hide your hocker.

   Worried about rising gas prices? Taco Bell and White Castle sell gas for less than $2.

   ⓘUser is suspected to be a part of an online drug dealing organisation. Please report any suspicious activity to Discord staff.

   Feels like an extrovert stuck in an introvert body

   Now accepting applications for the following limited time opening on 5/14/23 for Single Mothers on Mothers Day: - 12pm-3pm Lunch Slot $300.99 - 4pm-7pm Dinner Slot $500.99 - 9pm-12pm Evening Drinks w/Nightcap Slot $800.69 Military discounts available

   I will restart the entire song if you breathe too loud over my favorite part

   Y'all don't use paper plates. I'd use a paper pot if I could. F them dishes

   Getting old is tricky. I stepped on a golf ball in the dark and I did some parkour trying not to fall down.

   Diet day 4: If you eat the entire box of donuts, I'm pretty sure that counts as "One Serving"....

   Some people wonder what the meaning of life is. Some people wonder if we're alone in the universe. Me? I'm just sitting here wondering whose job it is to grease the bearings on the Price is Right wheel...

   ALDI: "We bring you discounted prices on all your grocery store needs. But, we have to draw the line somewhere, so no plastic bags for you to carry your discounted grocery store needs home."

   I had a nightmare about Peppa Pig. The dad told his family that he got a new job with Oscar Mayer Bacon. 🥓🥓

   Last night I had some wine, and whenever I do, I get sad over something. I got sad for all the poor strawberries who heard "Strawberry Preserves" and thought they were safe.🍓

   For vegetarians they have plant based beef, so do they have meat based fruit for meat eaters?

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.