Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

   Personally I am happily married, unfortunately my wife is not

   Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

   Billion Dollar Idea: Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

   I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

   Welcome to middle age. Only one nostril works

   One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones

   Kid: Do you like corn on the cob? Me: I like it in my mouth! Ha ha.

   Yesterday I threw a ball for my dog. I know, it was probably a little extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked so nice in his new dinner jacket.

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   I fully support the IDGAF+ community.

   i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

   Hi, I joined a cult. *got an air fryer

   Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

   Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

   If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact. How I know this is unimportant.

   If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

   the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

   I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

   I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.