Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   In 1963, Democrat George Wallace blocked the door to a school to prevent two Black Republicans from entering. I guess Republican is the new b lack ... Just ask Devos

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   IKEA is just adult LEGO sets

   Even Prime MInister Abe of Japan was surprised by how tiny Donald Trump's hands are, and he comes from a nation of tiny-handed people.

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   SNL just call me and asked me, If I want to play a character on the show. Apparently they are running out of characters to make fun of in Trump's cabinet

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   "I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."

   I wonder how long buffoons like Spicer and Kellyanne would last on the Apprentice?

   At our family weddings, we always watch our senile old grandpa to see what dumb thing he will do next. Now Trump fills that role for the whole country.

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?