Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   alexa... make me a sandwhich

   Moonlight not my Oscar winner. #thanksrussia #LaLaland2018

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"

   How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share?

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Oh Snap..I missed the Oscars again. That makes 35 yrs. in a row now.

   Steve Harvey... The happiest man in America today.

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   What if the first man to try and drink Milk from a cow had mistakenly picked a bull ?

   Do you know is not for some people smoking Marijuana the murder rate would be a lot higher than it is.. So get high and keep the murder rate low. . .

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.