Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1011 of 6453

Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".
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03-12-2017 14:30
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If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.
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03-12-2017 11:52
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Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.
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03-12-2017 10:50
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Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
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03-12-2017 09:57
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
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03-12-2017 09:57
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Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.
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03-12-2017 09:54
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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side
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03-12-2017 07:10 by flinnie
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We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.
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03-12-2017 03:43
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Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.
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03-12-2017 00:21
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Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.
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03-12-2017 00:19 by Baddie
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don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S
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03-11-2017 21:36 by Eddy
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Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
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03-11-2017 20:05
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i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .
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03-11-2017 17:04
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I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
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03-11-2017 16:05 by Mick
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Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.
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03-11-2017 16:04 by Mick
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I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.
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03-11-2017 15:24 by BLM
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I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)
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03-11-2017 14:42 by Fambook
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When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.