Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   Mexicans won't be paying for the wall, instead they'll be getting paid to build the wall.

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.