Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My entertainment today consists of browsing the commitment reports to see how many domestic battery arrests were made during Thanksgiving dinner...

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample ovee others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   So you're going to the Black Friday sales? Didn't you say you were thankful for everything you had yesterday?

   Here's a story,of a LOVELY lady
 who was bringing up three very LOVELY girls
all of them had hair of gold, like their mother.
the youngest one in curls. RIP CAROL BRADY

   it’s almost 2017 and food can still make you fat get your act together science

   If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

   I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them

   How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

   Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?

   I think the biggest winner after the USA elections is Melania Trump who can finally call herself the first lady instead of the third wife.

   All I'm saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

   silly true fact :'a woman is more responsive to romance when her stomach is full.'

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   later is the best time to do anything

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .

   My wife and girlfriend met, they don't need me anymore ;)