Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," Naturally I assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   If Hunter Biden's name was Hunter Trump, the media would be killing him right now...

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   If your boyfriend wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

   .... One of the BIG problems with getting married too early in life is that .... When you get older .... The sexual position formerly known as 69 ..... Eventually becomes 96.

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   Feminists are giving Kellyanne a hard time about not sitting "ladylike" on the couch. These are the same women who dressed up like va-jayjays and went on a march.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.