Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?

   The microwave sent those nudes, not me.

   I just want to see how many stupid people there are. If you think microwaves are spying on Trump, vote down. If not, vote up.

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.

   I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.

   An intruder at the White House? Perhaps Trump should start with a garden wall before biting off more than he can chew.

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.

   In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.

   Trump asking the media not to be rude is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing a victim for their dining etiquette.

   Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.