lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"

   I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   She blinded me with science. By science, I mean pepper spray.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.