Michael Funny Status Messages

   one beer short of a six pack

   lost his teddy bear... Will you sleep with me?

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   if there is one flaw in women, it is this...they forget there worth and how remarkable they truly are!

   Just figured out how to stop the oil spill! Put a wedding ring on it and it will never put out again.

   Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

   One of the guys who works for me down south called in sick early this morning. He sounded like death! I ask, “How sick are you?” and he said, “I just got done doing my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.

   My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!