M.A.C. Funny Status Messages

   pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   saw a guy give a homeless man a coffee....Great! Now he is alert and fully aware of his surroundings...the street, the alley, his shopping cart...

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...

   does anyone else think that Bert and Ernie weren't so much 'funny ha ha' as they were 'funny...well...you know...

   just heard that Obama peeked his head out of the White House and saw his shadow....well, I guess it's six more years of recession...

   reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's...

   with the current state of relationships these days, I think the Grim Reaper should take Cupid's spot...just seems more realistic to me....

   going to call you a half-wit, but I didn't want to tell a half-truth...

   my son just said, "nobody needs a girlfriend till you're married!!"....hmmm...great advice I thought....

   I believe in God…However, rest assured that unless you are a woman, with a weird fetish, I will NOT be throwing bibles at you…

   I've been reading some of the Black History Month material, and I can't find Buckwheat being shot anywhere…that's just wrong…

   Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...

   I'm your friend, and that's why I think I should tell you that your hair, in your new profile pic, says sexual predator all over it…

   I think facebook needs an "I've seen this before, but I still like it" button....

   Although it's true that when I think about you I touch myself, it usually involves a sharp instrument to the heart region…you know, as a reminder….

   If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...