Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   seriously thinking she was swapped at birth!

   wish I can do , what CAL LIGHTMAN can ;-)

   If you worry about all the bridges you burn in life, you will never get across the river.

   Surely he's not dead! He is. And stop calling me Shirley. R.I.P. Leslie Neilsen.

   Leslie Neilsen died?! Surely you can't be serious?!

   The camera adds 10 pounds. Reality adds 20.

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   "Nice Beaver." Simple, yet effective. RIP Leslie Nielsen. Your classic comedy movies will continue to make us laugh.

   alright ladies...time to put down the booze n get busy on theses dishes...

   MONDAY: Mentally Overworked, Nauseated, Dysfunctional And Yucky

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   I don't know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.

   Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   Two Beer or not Two beer. William ShakesBEER

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   Dear Lord, Please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Beiber, Richard Simmons, or Snooki......your pick

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.