Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

   Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

   am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

   You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them until they become afraid and give in.

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents

   If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

   Captains log,Stardate 3.1415926535 I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   What? Pale anti-social skinny white guys are now considered sexy! Thank you Twilight!!

   You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

   If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?

   If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?

   On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?

   Who's cruel idea was it to put the 's' in lisp?

   37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

   The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...