Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)

   Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".

   If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.

   This weekends forecast: Mostly drunk, scatterd shots and a slight chance of falling down..

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a watermelon... just ask that chick on the amazing race...

   Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.

   Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have Diabetes... Dont Pour Sugar on me... High in fructose... Dont pour sugar on me.. I'll die of stroke.. Hot sticky lost my feet... Feeling numb from my head to my feet yeah... Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have had enough

   I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   For those of you who know what Moth Balls smell like I have only one question. How'd you get your nose between the little fellas legs?

   Playing monopoly with a jew, a woman and a black person. It's very awkward because the black person is in jail, the woman is the iron and the jew is the banker

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.