Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   Why is Darth Vader called "Darth Vader"? Because "Master Vader" just sounds wrong.

   If you pass after drinking Wild Turkey, just blame it on tryptophan.

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat...it makes you lean...against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ....Ugly people!!!

   A penny for my thoughts? Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. There worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin, funny when your dead how people start listenen

   I like to spend my weekends at Burgerking pretending I'm on Man vs Food...

   learned that you should never say "boom" at the airport. looks like i'm missing my flight

   My mother now has Gchat. You will no longer know how inappropriate my thoughts are via status updates. Today my status is "I like studying and Jesus."

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   never make eye-contact with anyone while eating a banana

   So when your sexting...do you get a phoner?

   I always wanted to read other people's minds, well now there's facebook where everyone just thinks out loud. Thank you facebook, the future is here.

   wants a full-body scan AND a pat-down! Mmmmm...

   Russians have grossly misunderstood roulette. Someone needs to tell them it's gambling on numbers, not maybe killing yourself.

   In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man doesn't have to worry about people staring at his patch.

   We need to talk, shuffle.. One Hall & Oates song is a great idea - but two in a row is completely unacceptable.

   Fox News reports that Obama visits Indonesia, one of several foreign countries where he was born.

   New study shows that too much Facebook leads to alcohol/drug abuse, which leads to neglecting one's imaginary sheep.

   If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?