Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.

   believes that all you need in a tool box is Duct Tape and WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, use Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40

   Do you go down on the first date?.....oh wait this isn't Zoosk.

   gastric bypass...gives new meaning to your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   going to set up a dating website for pyromanics and call it mymatchbook

   Friendly Reminder to all: Is "Poke" a Blonde Week! poke ur favorite blonde, or all!

   A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

   Being a housewife is hard work! Some nights I only get 10 hours of sleep.

   The TSA, groping and handling more packages than USPS since 2001!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.