Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering when Hallmark will make a greeting card for the Single men for there Holiday you Know PALM SUNDAY !!

   Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   i just found out that turning off all the lights in my house and pretending I'm blind does nothing for my boredom,so then I tried playing pictionary with my dog and cat but they're so STUPID!!

   know why McDonald's restaurants always smell so bad? 'cause the people that eat there poop there.

   Opted for SWAT team costume for Halloween. Cheap and easy. It occurred to me, however, that I've got a toy weapon. Would that be Toy Weapons And Tactics? I don't think it would be copacetic to place the acronym on the shirt.

   Zombie hunting, It't not just a sport, its survival!

   HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...

   thinks the incest rate across America must drop so much on nights like these ... You know, when they're all watching the Country Music Awards instead!

   thinking the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

   Dear Tom Cruise: Life is what you make of it. Not what you make believe of it

   Never mind being "Popular" in High School.... Now there's Facebook...

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   if they are going to start putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes, then they should put deadly dui pics on liquor bottles

   Dear makers of poppies, as much as I respect the poppy and what it is a symbol of, I would have thought that you would have been able to make a more secure fastening device by now. And perhaps one that doesn't stab the wearer several times a day. I'm just

   Tenative Thanksgiving Menu: A little bit of small pox as an appetizer, some Mass Genocide as the main course, and finish it off with some forced relocation for dessert.

   "Has Anybody realized just how dirty Nutri Grain's Slogan(You Only Get Out What You Put In) is?

   Officer, why did you stop me for speeding? You see all those ahead of me? Clearly their the one's who are the speeders.

   I must have ordered the "Johnny Cash" at Taco Bell cuz now I'm experiencing a "Ring of Fire" in the bathroom!