Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home

   "Does size matter?" "Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out".

   When people I don't know ask me what I do for a living I shout "Karma," and punch them before running away.

   Whoever thought that climbing into a box and doing their thinking there didn't come up with the best idea...

   wished there was o dislike button for pics posted in fb...:|

   There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!

   I don't have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..

   Mary Poppins did a great job getting kids to take there meds...Cause a spoon full of sugar really does help the medicine go down... Its just too bad all the kids she watched got Type 2 diabetes now...

   OMG, I"m in real trouble, if anyone asks, I was on Facebook all night, I think they finally found out what I did for that Klondike bar!!!!

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   Would you rather win a hundred billion dollars today and get paralyzed tomorrow or just get life in jail with a man rapist? Up for the money.... Down for jail....

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"