Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Could you imagine the conversation between an owl and Mike Jones?!

   A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

   Picturs of the queen naked.....Oopps! this is'nt Google

   Word of the day:FOCUS. If someone annoys the sh*t out of u, tell them 2 FOCUS.(F**k Off Cause Ur Stupid!!!!)

   I've been burnt by love before. Not in heart broken sort of way but in a the candle wax was a bit to hot way.

   Next halloween I'm gonna dress as a shrub and randomly sit in peoples front yards

   The problem with finding out who your real friends are, is finding out who your real friends aren't

   "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner.

   off to Mamby Pamby land ya Jackwagon....

   Yeah....Hi, I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working

   I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   2 blond girls on opposites sides of the lake, The first one yells to the 2nd "How do I get on the other side?" The 2nd yells back "You are on the other side"

   PLEASE put this on your status if you know someone who has been eaten by a dragon. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this because they have already been eaten by a dragon..

   I think I have it all figured out......... Now, if only someone would organize it for me.....

   Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)

   why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? cause it does not need cleaning yet!

   I recently took up mediation, its better than sitting around doing nothing

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook!

   Congratulations to those of you who can read this. You survived the friend cut!!