Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if the Cowboys are "America's Team," we might as well just learn to like soccer.

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   from the moment I saw u, I wanted 2b inside u, The way you smell, The way ur tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....mmmm new shoes

   Who cares if my grandkids aren't gonna see a polar bear? I didn't see a dinosaur

   I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Im going to get a tattoo of my face on my back just so I could see who stabs me in the back..

   How come everyone post their problems when 2:00am comes, but nobody post how horny they are.

   Having lived and loved, I can tell you that life is the constant and love is the variable.

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   The Christmas cheer has begun.... American Express commercials just announced if you use their card ...they'll donate ONE SHINY PENNY to charity...... is there any way to spend LESS,,,, nice JOB AMEX

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.

   Dad...I forgot to brush my teeth before school. That's okay...here's a piece of gum:)

   it safe to smoke an electronic cigarette on a plane???

   They told me to set my clock back Saturday night... Well I set mine back till when I was 27... Come Sunday morning after partying all night... I found out that it didn't work out so well...

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.