Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either I am getting huge or Facebook decreased it's font size.

   "hi, you are through to the incontinence hotline..........can you hold please?"

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

   I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not "professional" any more.

   Do you know why they call it "PMS?" Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   going to start a hospital and in my hospital when you are admitted you will be ask 2 simple questions. Do you go to church and do you believe in God? If you answer yes to both you are given a Referral to God Form and asked to leave property immediately

   Why is it that when I walk into a Walmart I feel like I should give the greeter my ticket for the freakshow I'm about to see?

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   just watched half of The Social Network and I got to say to that point it is absolutely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen..right..I know it's more of a movie for academic queers

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

   eaten so much Halloween candy that next week it will look like I'm going through puberty again. Hey, maybe this time I will get boobs!

   For fun I just increased the font to 200% and it looked like first grade all over again.

   I'm Keyser Söze

   Call Bruce Willis..I see red people...

   i text one of my boss "Whats the difference between this morning and your daughter?".He says "I dont know" .I say "I'm not cuming in this morning

   no officer, I was not texting...i was on facebook