Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

   I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.

   This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.

   Great taco from Taco bell today......with the spoon of meat and all the lettuce I was not sure if it was for eating or smoking!

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!

   starting to see some change I can believe in

   likes movies where the guy gets the girl in the end. That's why I like porn@ movies, because the guy usually gets the girl in both ends.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use dryer sheets again!

   Accidentally grabbed my hair gel instead of my body wash when I went to the shower,,,,, should see my fluff, looks like a 70's porn star fluff!

   white man will never be jealous of the black man's "progress". Consider revising. It's all good in "da hood" Get over yourself.

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

   "Hi, one ticket for 'The Social Network,' please."

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

   i just came back from a mile long walk in your shoes, and I still think youre a douchebag...

   I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

   I eat the green crayon cuz the green one tastes the best!