Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.

   What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no

   Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

   can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?

   People who use sporks can't be trusted.

   Going to create a new social networking site called Myface because it would be hilarious to hear someone say, "Have you been on myface today?"

   after watching "The Walking Dead" premiere tonight on AMC. I'm going to dream about zombies tonight. Its okay becasue with my skills I'm sure I'll be the zombies nightmare.

   Halloween - the one day of the year peadophiles get home delivery

   ‎25yr old Wayne Rooney celebrates his £250,000 a week pay deal sippin pink champagne in a hot pool in Dubai. Over in Afghanistan a 24yr old soldier is sippin warm water for not much more than £250 a week,in a hostile country surrounded by people who w

   I bet you Randy Moss wishes he could be traded again.

   :: The Twilight saga - it's like Star Wars for chicks ;)

   it's so cold outside that all the politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

   Ummmm excuse me to my lovely US of A buddies but here in Australia the word "FANNY" means a completely different thing....so when you ask me if I use a fanny pack just remember this for future reference PMSL

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   I'm extending Halloween one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you come to work in a slutty costume.

   texting with Jenn Sterger.

   Did you hear the one about the woman who was sexually attracted to electronic devices? She blew a fuse.