Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love how you keep me warm and make me feel safe. Never a scornfull word or negative comment. Always pick me up when I am feeling down. You smell good all the time and are steaming with pleasure.......Coffee, I think I love you........

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   Trick or treat? I say why not be naughty and have both!

   People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.

   If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat"

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   Whadda mean you don't have my reserved "World's Greatest Lover Don Juan Cassanova Halloween Outfit"???!!! ........ and NO... I don't want to be Tinkerbell ! :

   Grammer is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

   When the phone rings and you want to screw with the caller, just answer saying, "Bob's Orphanage, you make' em we take' em!"

   Question: IF you have a Harley and all the black assessories like HD T-shirt, Chaps, Gloves, Bandananana, booties..everything ... do you really need to go out and rent an Halloween Outfit? :)

   If you have to start your sentance with "Now you know I'm not a bigot..." chances are you are...

   Save your breath...no one wants to smell it.

   you will always be the answer, when somebody asks me what I'm thinking about

   Dear Heart, I met a boy today.....prepare to shatter

   let's flip a coin. heads, i'm yours. tails, you're mine

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.